"Genes don't think about what constitutes good or evil. They don't care whether we are happy or unhappy. We're just means to an end for them."
"My exposure to mental health and anxiety disorders occurred at a very young age. My maternal side suffered from panic attacks and anxiety due to stress they experienced in their surrounding environment: home life, work, relationships, etc.. it wouldn’t be until I had reached my 20s would I then come to experience this same fate.
I remember being really young and hearing my uncle on the phone with my mother. He needed help breaking from his episode of panic. Constricted airways, rapid heartbeat, and the ever dooming sense of danger always with you. It took an hour, disassociating from what he understand as being unreal but still in some form had ultimately become his reality.
My mother had four kids and ended up getting a divorce when the youngest was 1 and the oldest being 6. The stress of raising her children alone, being the sole provider for her family, and maintaining two jobs while still pursuing her education was an environment wreaked with havoc and chaos. Moments of panic and anxiety would seep their way into dismantling her wellbeing and yet, over time, she learned to take back control of her thoughts and overall being. She occasionally finds herself being greeted with the unwelcome feeling of anxiousness. But, she has mastered the ability to accept these moments and know their influence is temporary in that instant.
During my 4th year as an undergraduate student my environment became my biggest nightmare. I was heading home after class on a Monday and was physically assaulted on my BART ride to Pleasanton. The immediate effect was shock and disbelief; the long-term effect was induced anxiety, panic, and remembrance of trauma. I was completely out of touch with myself. I changed as a person and didn't believe I would feel the comfort of safety in my environment again. My thoughts were outside of myself; my anxious habits were so second nature I wouldn't even notice the constant hair play, shifting eyes, or continual leg movements. Putting myself through the same stress every day on my commute to school took a significant toll on my mental health and wellbeing. I was dissociating from myself completely. I would wake up crying in the morning knowing that I had to leave my house. The pressure of maintaining good grades and attendance only added to the stress I was experiencing on a daily basis.
I remember being really young and hearing my uncle on the phone with my mother. He needed help breaking from his episode of panic. Constricted airways, rapid heartbeat, and the ever dooming sense of danger always with you. It took an hour, disassociating from what he understand as being unreal but still in some form had ultimately become his reality.
My mother had four kids and ended up getting a divorce when the youngest was 1 and the oldest being 6. The stress of raising her children alone, being the sole provider for her family, and maintaining two jobs while still pursuing her education was an environment wreaked with havoc and chaos. Moments of panic and anxiety would seep their way into dismantling her wellbeing and yet, over time, she learned to take back control of her thoughts and overall being. She occasionally finds herself being greeted with the unwelcome feeling of anxiousness. But, she has mastered the ability to accept these moments and know their influence is temporary in that instant.
During my 4th year as an undergraduate student my environment became my biggest nightmare. I was heading home after class on a Monday and was physically assaulted on my BART ride to Pleasanton. The immediate effect was shock and disbelief; the long-term effect was induced anxiety, panic, and remembrance of trauma. I was completely out of touch with myself. I changed as a person and didn't believe I would feel the comfort of safety in my environment again. My thoughts were outside of myself; my anxious habits were so second nature I wouldn't even notice the constant hair play, shifting eyes, or continual leg movements. Putting myself through the same stress every day on my commute to school took a significant toll on my mental health and wellbeing. I was dissociating from myself completely. I would wake up crying in the morning knowing that I had to leave my house. The pressure of maintaining good grades and attendance only added to the stress I was experiencing on a daily basis.
Do you know what it is like to live in constant fear thinking your external environment is your enemy? Any step you take, any look to give someone, any thought about the next second, minute, and hour is enough to rapidly increase your heart-rate, constrict your airways, and jump into flight mode in any instant.
But... this isn't all of me. This disorder is only part of me. I utilized my resources, I reached out to my mother and family and asked for advice and support. How do I go back to living? Regain that sense of comfort in my surroundings that I used to take so much joy in? And my answer to that is: it is necessary to rewire the way you think! How was I prior to this? In what ways can I attempt to get close to who that person was? Of course, I'll never be that same person and although I have associated a lot of negativity in relation to my anxiety disorder, I've found significant growth in myself as a person through my ability to take hold of my disorder and not let it limit me further."
Comments
Post a Comment